R15. Adult content and language. No infants.
As Seen on 7 Days
The year is 2030. Humanity is all but wiped out, and there is only one man who can save us from the Softcockalypse.
For too long, we thought that things like 'gentle parenting', 'love languages' and 'paper straws’ were a good idea... until self-diagnosing whingers and 37 types of milk destroyed civilisation...
Then, like a glorious moustachioed phoenix, a hard bastard arose from the beta cuck ashes to restart humankind.
Strap in NZ! Chopper is back, just in time….to live again!
“If Heath is Clark Kent and his Chopper persona is Superman, then it is good to look up in the sky once again and see not a bird, not a plane, but a super comedian.” - Scenestr
In a world full of AI and Robot tech, can a simple dad with slightly tight jeans stay relevant? Ancient Astronaut Theorists say yes! Rhys hopes to prove that right now a touch of very human silliness is more important than ever!? Perhaps his unique skills, once thought of as absurd, might just be useful after all!
Darby’s shows are always a mix of astute observations and physical stand-up cocooned in a fantastical storyline that takes his audience on a hilarious journey.
“I’m so excited to return to the stage, a bit older, a bit wiser but mostly a bit sillier than ever before!” says Darby.
While Darby may have been treading the standup boards since the mid ‘90s, he is best known internationally for his on-screen work. He first gained attention as the well-meaning, but inept band manager, Murray Hewitt in Flight of the Conchords. More recently he has starred in the Jumanji franchise and Our Flag Means Death, alongside long-time collaborator Taika Waititi. Rhys is also a prolific voice over artist having appeared in over 50 animation roles from Monsters at Work to Voltron Legendary Defender. When not on screen this busy guy has written four books, has NZ’s longest running podcast The Cryptid Factor, and shares his funny musings on his Substack.
R15. Some adult content and language. No infants.
I’ve heard the expression “Stop being so dramatic” my whole life, but only now, at the culturally relevant age of 34, am I ready to address it and face these drama queen allegations head-on. Please join me, Chris Parker, for an hour of high-intensity, feverishly paced and dizzyingly expressive comedy. Sure, I’ve cried in every speech I’ve ever had to deliver publicly, and yes, there may have been a situation this year where I slept on my neck weirdly and bought myself an unnecessary neck brace. Still, I’m desperate to prove that I’m really chill and down to earth. So, what better way to get you to understand that than with a one-man variety hour spectacle chill stand-up comedy hour?
Building on this momentum, 2024 saw Chris host the New Zealand Comedy Festival Galas, tour his latest show, Give Me One Good Reason Why I Shouldn't Throw My Phone Off This Bridge, to full houses throughout Australia and New Zealand, make his prime-time Australian TV debut on Thank God You’re Here (where he won the episode), and release the highly anticipated second season of Double Parked.
“By the time the show ends, you will have sore sides from laughing” NZ Herald
"Chris Parker is the real deal, a brilliant comedian who will leave you scream-laughing” ★★★★★ Time Out
Starring Helen Moulder
Directed by Jeff Kingsford-Brown
The magnificent Cynthia Fortitude is definitely in the twilight of her long career as operatic diva. Tonight, she has arrived to give a musical lecture for the inaugural meeting of the Nelson Tasman Opera Guild (NELTOG). Her longsuffering accompanist, Miss Gertrude Rallentando, is nowhere to be found, so Cynthia must battle on without her.
“I wanted to honour the character of Gertie,” Helen says. “My good friend, Rose Beauchamp, who played Gertie for thirty years with me in Hens’ Teeth, The Legend Returns and Cynthia & Gertie Go Baroque, sadly died in 2022, and I wanted the delicious character of Gertie to live on somehow.” Gertie does not appear in this show of course, but is very present in all sorts of ways!
“Helen Moulder’s determined, dotty and totally delightful Cynthia…. an unbeatable gem of a comic character.” – Laurie Atkinson, Dominion-Post
“A most enduring clown, an irreverent and fanciful diva.” – Thomas La Hood, Theatreview
Please note, seating is General Admission (not allocated)
R18
Why? Tangi Be Happy is a not so funny stand-up comedic act about the state of our political climate in Aotearoa today. It is a reflection of the recent attacks on Te Tiriti o Waitangi by the Coalition Government which seek to take our country back to the Dark Ages. Why? Tangi Be Happy looks to shine some light on the topic and questions the insanity that we are seeing.
Hosted by so called Māori elitist Hori along with some of his comedic minions including Courtney Dawson, Kura Turuwhenua and Cori Gonzalez-Macuer, Why? Tangi Be Happy aims to open up dialogue around Te Tiriti o Waitangi and where we see ourselves in the future of our country. It opens up the space to make us laugh about something that makes some of us want to cry.
Why? Tangi Be Happy
My Story, Your Issues
Paddy G, live on stage. Now this really is The F#$%ing News.
Paddy has written a book and he’s taking it on the road, from Stewart Island to Waitangi. The F#$%ing News is coming to a stage near you!
He will crack you up with his ripper yarns from a crazy life story.
This performance mixes journalism, stand-up comedy and motivational speaking - talking shit and giving uplifting messages about what it means to be a Kiwi.
Paddy was down, but he got back up again. He'll talk about the personal issues he has overcome, and the issues New Zealand needs to overcome.
In each place, he’ll tackle a local issue and show you a local hero.
And there will definitely be a Q and A!
Don’t f#$%ing miss this.
Disclaimer: There might be F-Bombs.
14+ | Audio Described | NZSL Interpreted | Hearing Assistive Technology Available
After wowing us in Thoroughly Modern Māui, award-winning Rutene Spooner returns to celebrate showband legacy, idolise the greatest Māori showman and tussle with the future of Māori in entertainment. This is everything but an impersonation show. Can you be like Billy without being the butt of the joke?
Aotearoa's newest Māori cabaret is hui-hopping to sweep you off your feet and Theatre Royal seats. If you loved Thoroughly Modern Māui (or missed it at our 2022 Festival), you MUST see this show!
Award-winning entertainer and playwright Rutene Spooner (Ngāti Porou, Ngāruahine) explores his personal connection with his childhood hero, Billy T. Infused with live music, humour, and show-band flair, the electrifying Be Like Billy? isn't just a tribute to Māori showmanship; it also prompts contemplation about the future of Māori entertainment—how to revel in joy without becoming the subject of mockery.
Joined by the flashest southern showband The Tekīra Mutton Birds, Rutene Spooner celebrates the showband legacy, idolises the greatest Māori showman, and tussles with the future of Māori in entertainment, to ask: Can you Be like Billy without being the butt of the joke?
"The Showband Era birthed some of Māoridom's most legendary entertainers. This production honours that lineage, reaching back to the infectious cheeky cackle we all know and cherish. But what does modern Māori showmanship entail?" - Rutene Spooner
“Be Like Billy? will surely go down as a true taonga of Aotearoa’s theatre history.” - Backstage Christchurch | Belinda Cullen Reid
"Spooner lays out this complexity for us in a show that starts with joy and celebration, with nostalgia, then pivots to something more complex when the audience is confronted with the division between laughing at and laughing with." - Flat City Field Notes | Erin Harrington
Originally commissioned by The Court Theatre and produced by Metro Māori Productions.
Supported by: Downing
16+ | Content warnings apply | Hearing Assistive Technology Available
From broke solo mum to award-winning comedian and TV star in five years – is this a dream? Join Courtney Dawson for a hilarious wakeup call filled with warm, anecdotal humour and banger punch lines.
The past five years have seen Courtney Dawson (Ngāti Kurī, Ngāti Amaru) go from that “crack up chicky at the BBQ” to award-winning comedian and rising TV star on shows like Paddy Gower Has Issues and Celebrity Treasure Island. But there’s still that lingering worry in her mind - don’t all stars eventually explode? Don’t worry Courtney, we know you’re only just getting started!
Come snuggle up with Courtney at the Theatre Royal as she uses signature warm, anecdotal humour paired with banger punch lines for a hilarious wake up call.
This comedy star will take over the comedic universe any time now – better catch her here in Whakatū while you can, arts lovers!
14+ | Content warnings | Lock-out applies | NZSL Interpreted | Audio Described | Hearing Assistive Technology Available
Rows S, T & U in the Dress Circle may have restricted viewing of the projected content of this event.
An exploration of identity, desire, family, and of being disabled and Pasifika, AIGA (Sāmoan for family/whānau) is ground-breaking theatre told through the lens of Pacific Toa award-winner Lusi Faiva.
AIGA represents the big dreams and heart-felt reflections of award-winning disabled performing artist Lusi Faiva – performed by an ensemble of women, non-binary, disabled, non-disabled, Pasifika and Māori creatives.
Exploring identity, family, and desire, AIGA is a show that ebbs, flows, dips forward into the wicked and tilts back toward the heavenly as we traverse the experience of Lusi’s beautiful and complex life story. Using music, movement and dramedy, AIGA chronologically captures Lusi’s life from youth into adulthood, from 1960’s Samoa to the warrior that we bear witness to today.
AIGA is a three-year “crip time and c r i p s p a c e” devised work that has not only drawn on the life history of Lusi, but also the experiences of co-collaborators and performers including Iana Grace Pauga, Forest V Kapo (Te Atiawa, Ngāti Raukawa), Alex Medland (Kai Tahu), Jake Arona and support writer and performer Fiona Collins. The collective creative ensemble of women, non-binary, disabled, non-disabled, Pasifika and Māori gives this work its proud identity.
We’re incredibly proud to share this Aotearoa story with universal resonance with you, Whakatū. An honest and heartfelt work that moves, expands empathy and consciousness and invites us to explore new perspectives of being.
With a powerhouse creative team, this work features storytelling at its core; a story that will make you laugh, cry, think and feel – one that needs to be heard.
Features Sāmoan, Te Reo Māori, English and NZSL languages.
Supported by: Innit Creative
TICKETING INFORMATION
Two sections have been reserved as priority seating for the Disabled and D/deaf communities, and older people.
One of these sections is at the front of the stalls (downstairs area on the flat) and one is on the stage to the side and back of the performance area.
These sections are reserved to allow audience members that are part of these communities access to connect and celebrate with Lusi Faiva (the lead artist).
Front of the stalls priority seating (downstairs seating on the flat)
The front rows closest to the stage will be reserved with a mixture of theatre seats and spaces for wheelchair and mobility device users. There will also be reserved seats for the D/deaf community near the NZ Sign Language interpreter.
Stage priority seating (accessible via wheelchair lift or stairs)
This will be a combination of chairs, beanbags and space for wheelchair and mobility device users. Access is via wheelchair lift from foyer. These seats will be to the side and back of the performance area, and the lighting state of the show means that the audience seated in the stalls will only see a shadowy silhouette of anyone seated on stage, except when the houselights are up.
Tickets to these sections can be purchased by phoning the Theatre Royal box office on 03 548 3840 (Select 1) or by emailing [email protected]
Ticket Cost
All priority tickets are $24 plus a $2.50 booking fee.
Companion seats are free of charge and can be reserved in the same area.
Hi, Pax Assadi here. It’s really nice to see you. Is that a new top? It looks great on you, the colour really compliments your skin tone. It’s been a while since I’ve been to the Nelson Arts Festival. I’ve been busy with life—water blasting my deck, building flat pack furniture, and making award-winning television (Watch Raised By Refugees now on NEON or Sky Go).
Hey, so… I need to tell you something BUT I need you to keep it a secret. Can you do that? Ok, cool. Then come to a designated theatre this season, and I’ll share this secret with you in the form of stand-up comedy. Ideally, you come alone, but if you must, you may bring one other person—maybe a significant other or close friend. Coming in a large group is also acceptable, but you have to make sure that everyone in this group understands that what I’m going to share with you is highly confidential. If they fail to respect the classified nature of what will be said on the night, their life may be at risk.
